Fears
fears
paralyzing
stigmatizing
going down the track
and stepped right in it
i was cruising through life there
for a second
did you see me before i
froze up 'cicle like?
doing pretty well,
i gotta say.
then i didn't see it coming,
that big old stop sign that reads
fear
paralyzing
stigmatizing

Fergus
Little, white and nervous.
His jumpy chocolate eyes
Follow my feet as I walk.
He won't look in my eyes,
But he must be close to my face.
Hot, desperate breath,
Ragged from the exertion of
Just trying to love me.
Protective sharp voice,
He growls sharp warnings
"Stay back from my mommy."
All he wants is love and
Maybe my hand on his head.
Trying so hard to be good.
Not for treats or praise,
Just a bit of my time.

flloyd!!
no mister!
not my machine!
flloyd never hurt you
just let him go.
what a dream
waking up in a cold sweat
i turned you on today
reached gently over and
pressed your buttons but
you didn't wake up.
no bleep . . .
no annoying sound byte
to let me know that
it was all okay.
my heart started pounding
as realizations slowly
crawled over my foggy brain,
there'd been a crash
sometime during the night
you'd been pushed a bit too far
and lost control
c'mon flloyd. we'll fix you.

From the Vicious to the Rotten
right, how dare i . . .
how dare i keep laughing it off . . .
how dare i have guts . . .
how dare i make you question yourself . . .
how dare i make you think . . . .
how dare i make you feel dead feelings . . .
i must be punished . . . yep yep . . .

how dare i show you a weakness and act surprised when you jump on it . .
that is your job, right?
that is why everyone wants you?
how dare i be cynical and not jaded . . .
how dare i find joy in this miserable world . . .

is this because i am better?
is it because i am trusting?
it's not
it's not even about me
it's about needing a victim
it's about how i am always that victim
it's about getting heavier armor
it's about not being able to hurt you back the way you tore me open.
it's about having to face and evaluate the apology
it's about knowing they are never real
it's about not getting the benefit of a doubt
it's about not being good enough to for you to fuck, still
it's about not being good enough to be liked
it's about time
it's about time i just started killing them when they do this

id' only have to do it once . . .
i know i'd be hep as all get-out in prison
women's prison
in the bighouse, I'D be the trophy . . .
I'D be the pretty gurl that people like, sober . . .
it's about a boy and a gurl
it's about a different boy and a gurl
it's about eating each other alive
it's about loneliness and rage
it's about anything but you
it's about 3 now and it's not getting better
it's about not having to accuse anymore
it's about never having to hear another apology
it's about being feared . . . feared enough that this shit doesn't happen

it's about calling myself a damn cab and doing it all alone and saying fuck you all and not having to share it with anyone and never having to cook another meal for some guy who's got a good line and a bit of history . . .

i know this is not what its about, but . . .
what WOULD it have taken?
what was that thing you didn't see?
'you ain't worth fuckin', so get out of my way'
is not what its about . . .
what was that thing that one must have to get your honesty . . .
your . . . respect?
it's about knowing the answer to that
it's about not being afraid of yourself
it's about not being so afraid to be scrutinized
it's about not being all that interesting . . .
or . . .
it's about being not all that complicated . . .
it's about how terrifying that is . . .