i am
i am stronger than you
if only that i survived
i am smarter than you
if only that i am alive
your hold over me
is fake and weak
your hold over me
is going to break
it will break one of us
and it won't be me
my pity is gone
my anger is live
i am stronger than you
so i won't be afraid
i'm smarter than you
i'll think through the rage
your hold over me
has kept me down too long
your hold over me
can't be all that strong
i will break one of us
and it won't be me
my patience is gone
i want my life

I Hate Bars
I'm not smiling at you,
I'm baring my teeth.
So you can just
Slither
Back
To your seat.
And let me suck my
Vodka
In peace.

i thought . . .
my dreams were about to come true . . .

i thought . . .
it was finally my turn . . .

i thought . . .
dead wrong . . .

i won't do it if i have to do it half-assed . . . i thought i had a solution . . . but it didn't happen . . .

what i have i'm told is what i need . . . half right . . . only half . . . and the half that is wrong makes it all meaningless . . .

i thought . . .
being me was enough . . .

it's time to rethink . . .
what am i doing?
what do i hope to accomplish?
can i do it on my own?

if you knew, what would it be to you?
its almost too 2D for me, my man . . .
this thing we have instead of conversation
i can sense but can't quite hold that hint
to a question backed by vague fear . . .
but I've got a great grip on the mind-closing
accusation of weary disappointment.
when do you know that you're going the wrong way
when you've got tunnel vision?
i am not what you thought.
your assumptions were dead wrong.
you could make a beautiful mistake
you could shut up and listen to all that i say
because even if i tell it all it will never be enough.
i am different than you made my vision
and i am better, if well hidden and
anything that really matters i will never tell you.
you will know because you can't help it
and they don't mind it, the ones who've stayed.
ready made and ready to go -
looking for the complete package
a fantasy all prepared for you
without effort or growth from either . . .
i'm not done yet, never plan to be
but i recognize what i don't understand
i gravitate toward it and give myself to it
i take from it all it will give and i never accuse.
i think to myself that the true persevere
and it's better to bleed when the wound is still small.
i will mislead you if you bother to ask,
i will endeavor to chase you away.
i will play all the games up front and
i promise to get it all over then just to see
who's still standing, waiting, yearning
and then, my friend, i will give up my soul
to be your best resource for those secret things
you have never admitted to wanting.

in that dream
in that dream I stayed and watched
in that dream it all made sense
now it’s gone and the sun is bright
now it’s gone
and I don’t get it
anymore

you are circling around yourself
dancing in the bishops game
nothing that escapes can be traced
there is no end or clear begin

in the dream I understood
in the dream I nodded my head
now its’ gone and your mask is melting
now it’s gone
and I don’t know why
it mattered

tearing at yourself like this
reaching out your dirt filled claws
taking any casualty
when comes your redemption?

In the dream I cared for her
In the dream there was a cause
Now its gone and I’m alone
Now it’s gone
And it’s oh so quiet.

And it’s when things start to break
And the baby starts to scream
And the man sees the hole they left
When they took his manhood
When they ripped his dick out
By it’s gnarled roots
And it didn’t want to go, useless as it was

So the baby had to scream
As she saw her savior
As she saw her slaver
And he’s on his knees
And there’s nothing in him to bleed
No heart to push it out

In that dream I stood idly by
In that dream I was able to laugh
In that dream the baby dies
In that dream I realize that
He never came at all.