Pain?
I burned myself
And no one knows.
Amazing, no one knows
How dangerous I can be.
Since no one’s here
Except for the beer buzz,
Think I’ll do it again.
And again . . .
Until I feel better.
The rush is so . . .
But so short-lived.
How can I make it last?
What can I destroy
That will take the self-hatred with it?
Is this the end?
Again?
When is somebody gonna put me
Out of my misery?
Fuck him and his ‘get over it’.
Fuck everyone who never knew.
I am alone.
It was all a lie.
Totally alone.
Take me again, baby
Cuz it just don’t matter
Any more.

Paranoia
i lay with my hands at my sides
i am trying to behave
what have i done again?
i feel always wrong
i can't lay here with you again
i can't live with you not holding me
i can't make me feel this bad
bad for no reason
bad bad cydniey
when they love me
you must hate me
bad bad cydniey
another night
with my hands at my sides
when i am desperate
and you are snoring
i climb on you
i lay down
i sigh
your cock loves me
there's irony
bad bad cydniey
go to sleep cydniey

people
people
are
so
full
of
shit
they are so obsessed with lies
obsessed with perpetuation
facts are trivial and not to
interfere with the myth
time after time after moment into days
people are so full of shit
no one bothers to question
logic has no place here
drop the truth slowly and
back quietly away
no one has to get hurt here

pet
i wanna be your pet
i wanna be that happy thing you need
like a drug
like sex
like laughing
you can boss me around
i'm not asking anything from you
i'm open
i'm trusting
i'm laughing

plastic gurl
I would wail
I would beg
I would weep
To be a plastic girl
With straight hair
And white teeth
And smooth legs
What was the envy that drove me to tears?
What was the enigma the kept me vomiting?
I wanted my own plastic smile to hide . . .
What could they have to hide?
I never thought of that while I spun around them
What could they have to hide?
Bright and gleaming and shiny and always on key
What possible pain or poison could they have known?
What filth would dare to invade their precious lives?
They had the secrets wrapped in their pink lips
There was no room for darkness behind those clear eyes . . .
I had a friend who used to make demands . . .
I had a friend who's sincerity defied convenience . . .
I had a friend who pulled the course of the planets . . .
Or so she believed and so I watched others believe
And I couldn't even shake my head for fear
What could she possibly have to hide behind
Her shining hair
Her whimpering words
Her careful stance?
I had a friend with a hole in her self that she fed
I had a friend who sent me jokes about crazy people
I had a friend with a secret desire to rage against her creators
And she liked to wield it all over me
And all I could do was shake my head for fear
At the stench of a soul given up for bored
I can't listen to any more, I can't laugh any harder
How do you people buy this shit?
The words are all written boldly on glass
Lit from behind by the shrill of malicious intent
And you suckle and you lap it up and I wonder
What was I wailing about?
What did I think I was missing?
Why again did I beat myself
Starve myself
Mutilate myself
Surrender myself
Compromise myself
Most of all lie to myself?
Why did I want to be you?
What was so good about you?
Why was I afraid of you?
What did I think you had?
Why don't you ever say "thank you?"

polly
gently darling the soft voice pleads
you know how you can be
don't punish yourself she tries to tell me
tries to soothe me with pinks and greens
and if i listen
if i stop to pay attention
maybe i can breathe
maybe i can sigh

A Possible Solution
I screamed and I cried
And I blamed and reacted.
Sometimes
I bit and I kicked
And you laughed as you stomped.
That was when
I whimpered and complained
And I bitched and I hid.
Then you’d serve and protect
In your own special way.
I confessed and confided
While you took note and cited
Weaknesses.
You’d expose and exploit
To control and manipulate.
I’ll admit
I lay down and invited
Your abuse and neglect.
But I was blind and naive
To your own special ways.
So does it matter whose fault?
Does blame take it away?
How about you just shut up
And I walk away with my head held high?
You go your way and in time
I’ll forget most about you.